As Mr Trump continues to gain support I have begun to wonder what his inaugural address would be like if he is actually elected President. I imagine him reading from a prepared speech but every few minutes not being able to control the impulse to ad lib. I suspect it will be something like this which is loosely based on Kennedy’s 1961 inaugural address…

President Hussein Obama, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Chief Justice, Vice President Biden, Melania, Ivanka (…isn’t she just beautiful), Ivana, and my fellow citizens:

Wow! Can you believe this? I mean really! Wow. Amazing. This is so great. Fantastic! Isn’t this great?

The world is very different now, mostly because I’m president. But this election is really about you, the Evangelicals, the young, the old, the highly educated, the poorly educated – I love the poorly educated. It’s about making America great again.  We can’t be the stupid country anymore.

Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans–born in the last century, tempered by stupid wars, disciplined in the art of the deal, proud of our real estate holdings and net worth–and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of that stuff.

Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure our survival and success. Screw the Chinese! Screw the Japanese! Screw the Saudis! We will build a wall and the Mexicans will pay for it! Right? Right!

This much we pledge—and much much much more.

To those old allies whose cultural and spiritual origins we share and who like me, we pledge the loyalty of faithful friends. But if you are a Muslim you’ll have to stay out of the country until we figure out this whole radical Islamic terrorism thing. Hey, it’s safe, right? It just makes sense. Gotta keep America safe.

To our sister republics south of our border, we offer a special pledge—stop sending us illegal immigrants, rapists and gang members. And we are going to build a wall and Mexico is going to pay for it! Let all our neighbors know that we shall join with them to oppose aggression or subversion anywhere in the Americas. And let every other power know that this Hemisphere intends to remain the master of its own house.

To those peoples in the huts and villages of half the globe struggling to break the bonds of mass misery, don’t even think about coming here illegally. Unless of course you’re fluent in Java, /C++/JavaScript/Python/HTML/SQL. In which case we’ve got an accelerated green card program for you. Oh, and if you are here illegally I suggest you start packing. And if you want to come back, you’ll have to pay a big tax.  If a free society cannot exploit the poor and stupid, it cannot save the few who are rich.

To that world assembly of sovereign states, the United Nations, have I got a deal for you! That building on the east side is looking a little dour. One of my Trump towers would be a huge upgrade. Huge! Think about, really. Big improvement.

So let us begin anew–remembering on both sides that civility is a sign of weakness, and sincerity is for losers and low energy Bushes. Let us never forget to negotiate. And let us never forget the Art of the Deal.

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you. Really, just don’t ask. It is much much better if you just don’t ask.

My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, because we’re really not planning to do anything for you. Nothing! We’re sick of doing stuff for you. We’re sick of giving you stuff and not getting anything other than cheap Chinese goods and services in return. It is kill’n us and it is going to stop. I mean really!